Expecting #3, Part 2

It was recommended we wait at least 3 months before trying to get pregnant again.  It also just so happened that all of the Fall Holidays and Christmas came about in those three months.  I was somewhat of an emotional basket case, but not as much as you might expect.  The first 2 months I couldn't really imagine having another baby, I just wanted to have HeavenGirl and I knew that getting pregnant again would not fix the pain of our loss.  Like anyone going through grief (and I've been here a time or two at this point in my life), there were clear, really good days, and completely cloudy, not-so-good days.  When it came time to "try" again, however, we were absolutely ready for another baby.  Not to "get over" the loss of HeavenGirl, but because we were even more excited about the idea of pregnancy and having another sweet life entrusted to us.  We realized how much and how deeply we loved our babies and that we were called to have more! Praise God!

We got pregnant the first month we tried, and we absolutely know how undeserving we are of that blessing.  We have many friends that are struggling and have struggled with infertility and we do not take our ability to conceive for granted.  We are flat on our face in awe of such grace.

This time we scheduled an appointment with the prenatal nurse for 6 weeks and saw our doctor at 8 weeks.  At 8 weeks, all looked good! We were amazed and grateful.  And our due date? Sep 30th.  Remember how I told you to remember that date from last time? Yes. This baby's due date is the exact anniversary of the day we found out HeavenGirl had died.  This is not a coincidence, and there is nothing we could have done to plan to have this exact due date.  Again, we are floored at God's mercy.

We had another appt at 10 weeks for my peace of mind, and then a heart beat check at 14 weeks.  So far, so good! I have a doppler (that a sweet organization is lending to me because of our history of loss) so I can listen to baby's heartbeat whenever I want.  It is reassuring to have this ability, but we know that the Doppler does not keep baby alive.

So now I am 16 weeks along! Our next appointment is on April 30 for our 18 week anatomy scan ultrasound. We are so excited!

We're often asked how we are doing emotionally with this pregnancy after our loss.  I am grateful to say that we are very peaceful 95% of the time.  We know that this life is in God's hands, not ours or the doctor's, and we trust that, whatever the outcome, it is good. Of course, about every 3 weeks there will be a hard day where one of us especially misses HeavenGirl and is nervous about the future, and on those days I run head on into the grief and by the morning, it has passed. Probably the hardest is seeing so many pregnant friends that have such a bubbly, joyful innocence about pregnancy - they have never lost and so, why should they think it's a possibility?  They shouldn't dwell on that, for sure! It is selfishly hard because I want that innocence back, and it may never come.  But that is okay, I still deeply cherish the life that is growing!