The Words I Said

On March 10th, we had an incredible celebration of my dad's life, where I was privileged to speak (also my dear friend, Sha, turned a year older!).  A few people have asked to have a copy of what was said, so I decided to post it here. And, truthfully, this seems the best weekend to post it.  This weekend is the greatest celebration of all, and the only reason I was able to speak with absolute confidence (through tears, naturally) at my dad's service. It is my sincere hope that the words I said will give you a small glimpse of who my daddy and my Daddy are.

My dad was a great dad. He taught us well. He loved us.  He was generous. He was a provider and a fighter. He was my daddy, and he was wonderful. I can’t imagine living life without him – to help guide and love me.  My dad ran hard – spiritually and physically.  He loved the Lord and my mommy and my brothers and me. He understood the importance of working hard at all things.  He kept a cool head when I was an irrational, silly girl, and spoke truth to my heart. I think I took for granted that I could just pick up and call him whenever I needed him – at work or home or out for a run.  

So I am sad.  We are sad.  Our hearts are broken like never before. Our lives are changed forever.  Nothing will be the same. It is confusing and hard. 

But there is a greater joy.  There is an overwhelming hope.  My dad believed in and knew Jesus.  He believed and professed that He came to this earth, God in the flesh, lived a perfect life, and sacrificed His own life so we could know Him forever. My dad knew that Jesus was who He said He was.  My dad also held onto the hope that this God-man conquered death, and that meant that he could be in Heaven in the presence of his Savior, fully basking in His goodness and glory for all eternity. And this hope drove him. 

And so we hold on to this same hope.  We know and profess that God is good – in all circumstances, at all times. This Jesus who we love, who we know holds our broken hearts so tightly in His arms, suffered a deeper loss than we could ever know.  He suffered the infinite loss of His Daddy on the cross so that the rest of the world would have the chance to spend forever with His father.  There is no one more worthy of holding our hearts in this time.  

The day he died, I was driving to a friend’s and, you know, crying…a lot.  But I had this picture of my dad, in Heaven, shouting excitedly and fervently – “It is so much more than we could have imagined.  Christ is MORE.  He is so much more!  Tell more people! They need to know.  Tell more!” So this is what I intend to do. And I hope if you don’t know this perfect Jesus, if you haven’t trusted Him with your life, you won’t hesitate to ask one of us. It would truly bring us great joy to talk about our dad’s best friend, deepest love, and Father with you. 

And we rejoice.  Though we mourn, we rejoice and praise God that this life is a vapor in comparison to eternity, where we will dance and sing with our dad again in perfect relationship without any tears or sadness.  We rejoice that my dad’s faith is now his sight.

Not Alone

This post is a long time coming, but a few really crazy things have gone down this March 2012.

Well, I lost my daddy about a month ago, and that has changed everything.  I'm still living in the same town, working the same job, doing the same routine, but everything is different.  I don't know where I'll be in 6 months...I don't even know what tomorrow looks like.  If I have learned anything in the last year, it is that nothing is guaranteed.  I have no idea what any given day may hold.

The hardest part of this loss is that nobody's life changed except for my family's and mine.  And my family isn't with me in Raleigh. People are sad, but nobody else lost their umbrella of protection when my dad died.  Just me.  So when my Life Class from church reached out to help me bear the weight of this loss in such amazing ways, I was overwhelmed with gratitude. These exceptional people have provided meals, friendship, and love in ways that I never could have asked for.  The support and affirmation from this church body has encouraged me and given me strength when I didn't have anything left.  The worst is far from over.  Truthfully, the hurt seems to get worse everyday - but I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I am cared for and loved.  I am provided for and prayed for.  I am not alone.

This is not to say that there haven't been so many others of you who have made this journey so much more bearable.  Every card, every post, every email, every text, every comment makes a world of difference.  Prayers for my family are the most important and have not gone unnoticed.  THANK YOU for all you've done for us.  There truly aren't words for what my heart wants to say. So thank you.  Thank you for being a light to remember when it feels like there will only be darkness. Thank you for being an ear to listen when I'm crying and almost out of hope.  Thank you for your patience as I grieve and heal.  Thank you for reminding my family that we are not alone in our loss and that this earth is not forever and that there is so much more - there is ceaseless joy - waiting for us for eternity. Thank you.

Oh, hey...and P.S. Big Brother got MARRIED!! And now I have a first ever SISTER!  So happy for this couple!

Daddy

Please be praying for my family.  My daddy went home to be with Jesus in his sleep last night.  I praise God that He is always good and know that my dad is having the best time right now, but we miss him so much while we are here.  More later...

When the little car is totaled...

Well, I found out Friday that my car is, in fact, a total loss.  So that means I have until this Friday to find a new car. Ready, go! While this is a somewhat challenging process, I am grateful for so many things: 1. The other driver's insurance is giving me more money than I expected they would. 2. I have an amazing and generous dad, and 3. My car (that I just this morning saw all taken apart when I went to get my belongings out of it) had battery acid spilled on the back seat last summer (long story), so it was unusable and made it smell kind of funny - won't have that in the new (to me) car! So, God works in very intricate ways and in all situations...and I love Him.

On another note...

With the car mess and having a new love for getting everything organized, I have not been diligent in my time in the Word and prayer this week (not good).  So yesterday before church I just prayed that I would soak up everything like a dry sponge.  Sure enough, I found myself just sobbing (like a lot) during the songs.  Just so in love and grateful for a God who is all powerful, but chooses to see us and love us and comfort us and be with us. This is good stuff.  (Also on the way home after church I looked in the mirror and my make up was a mess...most apologetic to the friends I talked to afterward.)

Back to the car sitch...

I had a pick up truck as my first rental vehicle, so I decided it would be a good time to get a dresser (I've been wanting one since I had to get rid of mine last April).  And I found one, and I think it's pretty.  So I cleaned it up and will make it my little project.  I want to replace the hardware and have a few ideas that I'll keep you posted on.

Aw looook. :)

46. Glimpse into world missions

47. Listening to the voices of the church during worship in song

48. Finding hilarious notes passed in college

49. Catchphrase with family and friends

50. Finally getting to watch "My 600 lb Life" :-p

51. Advice from helpful friends during car-finding challenge

52. My daddy

53. Big brother getting married next month

Accidents Happen

This is many days in the making, but I don't have internet at home, so there you go.

Well...Tuesday night I was driving home from work and as I was about to go straight through an intersection, a car from oncoming traffic decided to take a left in front of me.  What went through my mind was really: "Why are you doing this, ninny?  I'm not going to be able to stop in time. I'm gonna try. I'm tryin. Here I am -" BAM! Hit 'em.  Roommate called, police called, really nice lady checking to see if I was okay, car starts alright (just looks bad), I can walk, other car's driver can walk, information given, roommate comes...and we're off to CHILI'S!  Overall...a very successful Valentine's evening :).

But really, I am amazed at God's goodness in all of this.  A year ago I would have been a basket case in the same situation, but with the trials and consequent refinement of character, I was a little shaken up, but very much at peace.  I know that, even in this, God is sovereign...and not only sovereign, but very good.  And I can rest in confidently in that.  Besides the other mercies like - the lady I hit was okay and her family arrived quickly, my car is driveable until insurance stuff gets worked out and I can have it fixed, and nobody (as far as I am aware) was injured.  Ptl.

On another note - there has just been the greatest sense of urgency to love and share the Gospel in my heart.  Is anyone else feeling this?  It feels like everyday could be the last one, anything could happen at any time, and the world needs to know.  And I need to tell them.  And I need to love SO big.  Honestly, there have been times where I'll be looking at a customer I'm helping or talking with a friend and just love them SO much that I would do anything for them, I don't want to leave their presence, and I honestly and earnestly desire the most wonderful blessings for them.  I pray that this doesn't fade.  What an impact we would have on the world if we really did love like Jesus loved and has called us to love. I mean...for real. With this has also come the burning desire to serve abroad - like, I want to go now.  My hope is to be able to go to Peru with a team from my church in June (I will update as this comes together) and I would welcome any prayers as this process begins.

39. Life chats at coffee shops

40. Playing guitar

41. Everyone's okay after accident

42. Kindness of a stranger

43. Silly roommate date nights

44. Beds made neatly

45. Reuniting after many months

Some days I wonder...

Why I am even allowed to wake up and breathe the air. 

And live here:

And work here:

And relax here:

And play with friends. 

And share life with a whole lot of intensely beautiful people.

27. Talking about Jesus with a stranger-friend

28. Singy-worship times in my room

29. Coffee chats with new amazing friend

30. Roommate bonding conversations

31. Good news from texts

32. Impromptu praise and worship with roommates

33. Roommates with mermaid hair

34. Random acts of kindness

35. Friendships reconciled.

36. Conversations with mommy

37. Big brother getting married to awesome woman!

38. Schedules working out exactly perfectly

It's the small things

Like...

12. Road trips with friends
13. Making new friends

14. Late-night deep conversations with new friends

15. Visiting somewhere for the first time

16. Mountains in NC

17. Snow just in time

18. Dance parties

19. 3-cups-of-hot-chocolate days

20. Mittens

21. I made it down the blue squares without falling! (this is pretty epic for me)

22. Warm fires after cold

23. Sleeping after a full, fun day

24. Ice cream

25. Edifying road trip conversations

26. Returning to family

...it was a pretty great weekend.  Sadly, I forgot my camera...but you can probably imagine. :)

Overflowing, overflowing, overflowing with love for my Creator.

Get Up and Go

Ready?

Set.

Go!

I love running and I pretty much want to be running all the time.  Except for the times I don't...and usually the times I don't are the times I actually can (like early in the morning, or during the middle of the day when I'm working or at church).  I am trying to practice being more self disciplined - not sleeping in just because I can, not eating just because I like how it tastes, not watching movies instead of reading/writing/playing guitar/cleaning. Many of you may have conquered this years ago, but it has been a struggle for me.  I'm getting better at using my waking hours to be productive and invest in spiritual growth - but the sleeping and eating parts are so much harder!  I can wake up early if I need to be somewhere, but if it's solely to get up so I can run before going about my day, it is much harder.  And food? I just like the wrong things too much.  I have given up fast food for 2012 though, so that has helped some (minus Chick Fil A...CFA is always the exception).  I keep dark dark chocolate around so I only have a piece a day and don't go crazy with chocolate cravings (which happen at least twice a day), and I don't buy groceries that are too much of a temptation (lots of processed snacky foods that I never stop once I pop types). I discovered Unsweetened Almond Milk last week which has rocked my world (it is totes the lish lish). I try not to eat out too often and keep a budget for my groceries, but somehow still find ways to eat a lot of food.  

I'm pretty content with my body image, so I'm not trying to get all cray cray diet-y, but I would like to lose some weight before I start training for another marathon...it would make running SO much easier.

Any suggestions for what you do to curb cravings?

Anyway, today was a lovely, chilly morning for a run and I always feel better after I run no matter how tired I'm feeling beforehand.  I wish I could get my brain to remember that every morning.

6. Thumb-holes in long sleeve running tops

7. Lap "beeps" from Garmin

8. Stretching achy muscles

9. Silly morning chats with friends

10. North Carolina skies

11. Conversations through difficult breaths with the Creator

One Thousand Gifts

Two thousand twelve has been the greatest year ever.  I knew it would be the greatest year ever.  I determined it would be before it came.  And so it is.  I can not put into words the leaps and bounds I went through over the last 11 months that have led me to such a place of soul-rest - but, over time, I will try. I recently started reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  At first I enjoyed the challenge she posed to make a list of one thousand things you are thankful for, but was not so engaged in the book that I couldn't put it down.  Now, however, I find myself crying with a heart full of...fullness...whenever I turn the pages.


I am so blessed. Seriously.

In the last week, I have found myself driving down the road, listening to choral music from my senior year All State Festival with tears flooding my eyes and racing down my cheeks at the goodness of God.

Things aren't perfect. Those of you who know me well enough to know what happened during my 2011 know that this life has been far from easy.  Yet here I am.

Soul-rest.  Heart-peace.  I am full.  And so the fullness runs down my cheeks because I can't say enough words fast enough to release it.

I am grateful - for sweet fellowship, for families to love and love me, for babies, for provision of every sort, for the greatest running store in Raleigh, for wisdom, for growth, for Truth, for every Word of this precious book, and a God who came to serve and give His life for us (who even does that?!).

I am surrounded by shiny things - even asphalt sparkles in moonlight.

1. Morning sun making long shadows through trees

2. Ducks flying 

3. Geese talking like humans

4. Cool lake air on sweaty running-cheeks

5. Smiles from stranger-friends as we pass on the trail